Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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