I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
