I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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