Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
