thus making me awesome and them whores
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Will exercising make me less horny?
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