Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
