the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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