Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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