i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
