Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
