i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
