Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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