Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
