The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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