So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
