dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
