On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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