The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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