Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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