yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
