if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
