I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
