This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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