My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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