Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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