The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
