My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
