I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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