I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize