There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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