Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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