you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
