I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
