Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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