His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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