trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You may now shotgun with the bride
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm both gender and math confused
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
