I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I love having hate sex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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