Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
