I think I won the penis lottery.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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