Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
