I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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