I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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