i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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