today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
