He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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