There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize