Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I AM VODKA MAN
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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