My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
