im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize