remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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