there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
