Quick, to the slutcave!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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