U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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