I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
