I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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