Already got asked if we're dating
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
