just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
