i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
