kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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