So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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