he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
