I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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