What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
