You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
