This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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