And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
