So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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